Behind the Scenes of My Interview With Dr. Becky(!)
One of Instagram’s most-trusted parenting experts on how she handles co-parenting conflicts PLUS her relatable response to THAT viral parenting video.
As a full-time Cosmo editor back in the day, I’d sometimes have to double-check what certain A-list interview subjects were known for. An embarrassing exhibit A was Shay Mitchell, whom I’d never seen on Pretty Little Liars, yet ended up interviewing in a Facebook Live that’s since been removed—thank god! (And if I’m being honest here, I should probably also admit that I once asked a coworker to ID a Cosmo HQ visitor who turned out to be…Meghan Trainor. Did I mention I’ve long lived under a pop culture rock!?)
ANYWAY, there were many other times when I pitched stories specifically so that I could interview subjects whom I’d been following forever. A recent example is Dr. Becky Kennedy, PhD, the NYC-based mother of three, clinical psychologist, and author of Good Inside: The Practical Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. She’s also (as you probably know) an Instagram sensation known for emotive direct-to-camera monologues that end with solving a common parenting problem or prompting followers to find the answer on her paid parenting platform and app, Good Inside.
While moms like me often falter or run out of patience with their kids when the going gets tough, Dr. Becky always seems to know exactly what to do and say, whether her kids yell, cry, whine, protest, or even hit her. She chalks up “bad” behavior to big feelings felt by kids who are perfectly good humans (just like their parents!). The approach has spawned a sympathetic perspective that’s deeply affected the way just about every millennial mom I know talks to her children: Just keep an ear out on the playground for parents attempting—with variable success—to drown out their kids’ tantrums using validating statements like, “YOU’RE UPSET! YOU’RE REALLY, REALLY UPSET!” (It me, lol.)
Considering how many parents cling to this woman’s every word, I was curious to find out whether she actually follows her own parenting advice. I mean, try as I might to emulate the master, I certainly don’t know a single mom who has the energy to simultaneously muster up the empathy, patience, and self-control Dr. Becky prescribes every single time their kids lose their shit. How could she?
I also got to prod a bit at the Good Inside teachings that bring out my inner cynic, like the whole, “it’s-not-your-job-to-make-your-kids-happy” thing. (I mean, I’ve literally been doing that exact job for almost five years. How can something that feels so right be so wrong?!)
If you want to read the piece I wrote for Scary Mommy about the parenting advice Dr. Becky gives but doesn’t follow, sally forth right here! Below, I’m sharing some ~exclusive~ interview outtakes that I slipped into my interview just for me…and you. (Thanks for being here!)
Moi: So much of what makes you relatable is the way you approach new topics by sharing your own experiences as a parent. Do you ever feel judged by other parents who choose not to share as much about their children online?*
Dr. Becky: “I think I’m really really mindful about what I share about my kids. I’ve never shared their names, I’ve never shared their pictures, and the stories I tend to share are pretty anonymous stories. I really don’t know many people in my life who haven’t been hit by their kid, heard ‘I hate you’, dealt with sibling rivalry, or had their kid throw a tantrum that makes them think, wow, that was so animalistic. I didn’t know a kid could tantrum like that. When I tell those stories, it feels less about my kid and more about the struggles that every single kid has. Do I ever feel judged? I don’t, if that’s out there. And I haven’t seen it. When I share things I’m very mindful that I’m sharing things that are part of the typical parenting journey.”
*If you’ve read even one thing I’ve ever written, you’ll know that I am not a private parent, so this particular question came from a very personal place. It’s something I consider and sometimes worry about…but not that much? Judge away, or don’t. It’s me who will have to reckon with my kids when they’re old and (maybe) resentful.
What did @thedailytay’s viral video (with 24.7M views) get wrong and right about about millennial parents schooling Boomer grandparents?
“First of all, I love this video. [Ed’s note: SAME, GIRL.]
“I think the reason it went so viral is because it does feel like there’s been some overcorrection between generations. It used to be, ‘Go to your room,’ and now there’s this idea that kids are so fragile. Everything is ‘gentle’ and ‘we don’t do this, we don’t do that.’
“[My parenting approach] falls right in the middle. A lot of it is about empowering the parent, how motherhood isn’t martyrdom, and how kids need sturdy leaders, but are actually resilient and capable, so let’s not treat them like they’re fragile.”
How do you navigate conflicts in your household when your partner doesn't handle a situation exactly the way you would?
“When my partner and I parent differently, I’ll say to my kids, ‘Dad and I do things differently, huh?’ People parent differently because they react differently, and I think that’s good for kids as long as they’re not not fearful of their parents or put in harm’s way. Kids don’t really need the same, and in actuality, differences in parenting styles can be really character-building: In life, they’ll (hopefully) encounter people who love them in different ways and with different limitations.
“So in general, is it helpful to operate with the same principals? I mean, yes. If you’re trying not to give your kid punishments and your partner is always giving your kid punishments, you’re doing things that feel in conflict with each other and you really have more of a marital issue than a parenting issue.
“But if you [and a co-caretaker] generally share a lot of the same principals, and one gets more triggered in certain situations, that’s ok, and often not the problem that needs to be solved. It’s fine to say, ‘When the kids don’t eat the dinner on the table I really lose it, so it would be amazing if you could tag me out,’ so that the partner who is able to stay calmer in this situation can say, ‘I’ve got this.’ This way, instead of not keeping your cool or saying the right thing, you can say, ‘we each have our strengths, we each have our hard moments, let’s do what we’re supposed to be doing together, which is be true partners here.’”
Me: What’s your response to naysayers who think the Good Inside approach puts too much pressure on parents to get it right?
“I think it’s misogyny cloaked as logic: The critique extends to the parenting industry, which is traditionally thought of as a female-dominated field. Meanwhile, CEOs have therapists, executive coaches, and organizational psychologists. What I never hear is, ‘Those organizational psychologists, oof, they’re putting too much pressure on CEOs to get it right!’ I never hear, ‘Those sports psychologists are making athletes so anxious!’ or ‘Those money managers make people feel anxious that they weren’t managing their money right before!’ I’ve never seen these arguments lobbed at more traditionally-male dominated industries.”
Every time I set a Good Inside-style boundary with my kids and say something to the tune of, "it's my job to keep you safe," I feel like I'm instilling undo fear of a world that’s already rampant with anxiety. Is there another way to handle this?
“If something doesn’t feel right to say, don’t say it; you’re the expert of you. But saying ‘it’s my job to keep you safe,’ is a lot about self-talk to a parent who sees their kid doing something that’s not good for them, but wants to avoid a tantrum. If you say to yourself, ‘it’s my job to keep my kid safe, not happy,’ you’re able to go in and act like a sturdy leader.
“I also would say that when you say something like, ‘Sweetie, I’m not going to let you run away from me on the side walk, it’s my job to keep you safe and that means I’m going to hold you, even if you’re screaming,’ I would argue hearing that would not make a kid anxious, it’s actually the essence of what would make a kid feel safe.”
A fall New York Times op-ed argues that we’re messing up our kids by parenting in a child-centric way. Do you agree?
“While I do think in a more kind of child-centric way, I think that parents getting guidance and support and up-leveling their resources for what is the hardest job in the world is very different from parenting in a way that is child-centric.
“I also think we often mix up validating kids feelings with letting kids’ feelings run the show. Those are two very, very different things.”
The op-ed also argues that we should ignore our kids more often. Do you agree?
“I don’t know if ‘ignore’ is the word I’d use, but one of my favorite parenting strategies is what I call ‘doing nothing.’ Say my kid is upset that screen time is over. I let them be upset. Do I think that’s ignoring them? No, that sounds cruel, like I’m going to walk out on them. Maybe I’ll put my hand on their back and say, ‘I get it, ending TV time is hard.’ But I’m not turning the TV back on, and I’m not letting my kids’ feelings dictate what I do.
“Parents say all the time, ‘I’m supposed to do nothing?’ as if it’s a kind of inaction. But it’s an action to choose to do nothing. For instance, when my kid whines about the puzzle they’re struggling with, if I don’t fix it, maybe they will continue to work on it and show their persistence. So I’m going to choose to do nothing, which ultimately gives kids more freedom and lets parents see their kids’ capabilities while doing a lot less.”
(All answers have been lightly edited for length and clarity. It ain’t easy!)
This week, my hospitality and parenting worlds collided: In this HuffPost piece, my very brief quotes on behalf of Hotel Lilien, the Catskills property co-helmed by my hubs, were featured in a piece about hatchelorettes, a trend I missed while I was pregnant, but would be more than happy to take part in moving forward. So fun!
ALSO: I was super flattered to be featured in a recent piece on Lindsey Stanberry’s Substack, The Purse! In “40 Writers Share Easy Ways to Infuse More Joy into the Holidays,” Lindsey presents a round-up of festive and affordable traditions from some very established Substackers. So you can understand why I swooned when she referred to this very publication as part of her “unofficial list of favorite Substacks.” For a newbie like me, it was really nice to be included…and to use the list as a jumping off point to explore some new-to-me names on this platform. Thank you thank you!