An Exhaustive Guide to Solving Early Wake-Ups, According to a Pro Sleep Consultant
WHY DOES NOBODY SLEEP?! PLUS: A very beige and relatable photo essay.
I have a confession: Our 4.5-year-old has been intermittently sleeping in a nest of blankets on our bedroom floor for what feels like the thousandth night of us all trying to snore through the 3am, 4am, and/or 5am wakings of our 2-year-old daughter Emma, who typically shares a separate bedroom with my son.
On good room-sharing days, we hear Emma calling “Mommy!” “Daddy!” or—my personal favorite—“Got a poop!” from her crib after 6am, and we whisk her out before she wakes her brother. On bad days, we get our first Nanit alert at 3am or 4am, when Emma—that clever little shit!—wakes up Shay and somehow convinces him not only to open his eyes in the middle of the night, but to get out of bed, turn on the lights, and help her escape from her crib. While they often play independently together until sun rise (or until Emma wakes us for milk and a fresh diaper), two tired, teary, impatient, and unreasonable children = not a good situation.
In case it’s unclear, we still love Emma dearly—even though she’s proven time and time again to be the weakest link on any given night. We just thought (ok prayed) that maybe we’d be over the sleep drama now that the newborn days are behind us? I mean, if I no longer get to smell and snuggle and caress the softest, smushiest infant all night long, I at least want 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep!
All of this is to say that we’ve been putting off a call to Joan. Who’s Joan? Joan is our religion, our beacon of light and wisdom and hope and all things holy! A registered nurse and certified child sleep consultant of Milwaukee, Wisconsin's Pea Pod Sleep Consultants, Joan (last name: Becker Friedman. WRITE IT DOWN!) once helped this exhausted mom find the courage to let her first child cry it out to the benefit of all parents involved.
Joan’s advice has proved invaluable over the years to me and every other tired parent with whom I’ve shared my Scary Mommy piece, 7 Ways to Keep Your Toddler in Their Goddamn Crib Once They Start Climbing Out. But faced with room-sharing, toddler regressions, and assisted crib escapes, I thought the article was due for a refresh. Guys, get your note pads. Joan is back!
What’s Up With Early Wakings?
We all want our kids to sleep past 7—or hell, why not 8?! But technically, “any waking after 6am is an age-appropriate wake time,” Joan shares when I reach out. Wake-ups between 4am and 6am—well, those can be a problem, she acknowledges. Unfortunately, kids are physiologically primed for early wake-ups: “As kids approach morning, their sleep drive decreases, melatonin drops, and they enter a lighter phase of sleep,” she explains. And then there’s all the other stuff that contributes to eye-opening at ungodly hours…so read on.
9 Sneaky Reasons Why Your Previously Sleep-Trained Child Is Trolling You
Unfortunately in every way, there are a bunch of super random things that can affect your kid’s sleep-wake schedule well after they’ve successfully cried it out and/or learned to put themselves to sleep without, like, a parent passed out next to them on the floor. Among them, according to Joan:
Adjusting to a new sibling
Approaching or practicing a new milestone
Adjusting to a new school or daycare
Adjusting to a new home, bedroom, or sleeping environment
Readiness to drop a nap, or dropping a nap without adjusting the timing of the remaining nap(s) or bedtime
Adjusting to the time change in the spring or fall
Illness or recovery from illness
Sleeping away from home or returning from a vacation
I’m going to go ahead and add teething since poor Emma passed out in her stroller two and half hours before her regularly scheduled nap around the time I noticed the beginnings of new molars. Plans change! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
MAKE! IT! STOP!
Some simple tweaks can help reduce early wakings and leave your whole family better rested, Joan tells me.
Upgrade to all-business black-out curtains. Even if your kid has been sleeping like a champ for a couple of years, morning lights and/or city light pollution in their bedroom can still mess with their ability to sleep. If you can navigate their room at night, it’s probably too bright—one reason why we also shove a blanket under our kids’ bedroom door to block out hall lights.
Swap their cheery nightlight or open door for a fiery red one. Say your kid is terrified to sleep in the pitch black dark. You’ll want to make sure their nightlight shines amber or red, since neither color will suppress melatonin, the hormone that naturally rises at night to promote sleep, Joan tells me. Sure, their room will resemble the inferno, but that’s a small price to pay for zero peeps out of them them between dusk and dawn.
Use a sound machine. Parents who don’t use one don’t know what they’re missing. (I accidentally leave ours on daily and can close my eyes at any moment to be transported to a beach with gentle waves and a pleasant breeze—not bad for Brooklyn!) The key here is to a) drown out siblings/ early morning street noise— and fuck every garbage truck, honestly! and b) create some consistency, a sort of subliminal cue like, hey you guys, it’s still time to be sleeping! (Just be sure to play it low-low-low since most sound machines aren’t regulated and can damage tiny ears, says all the science.)
Get ‘em gooooood and tired… Like adults, kids who get exercise and mental stimulation by day sleep better (and later, god-willing), Joan says. So it should come as no surprise that the kid you pushed in a stroller all day will have energy to burn come bedtime, which can consequently mess with their sleep schedule.
…but not too tired! Navigating bedtime with an overtired kid is a true exercise in futility. That’s because exhaustion triggers a rise in cortisol, which makes it much harder to fall asleep, Joan says. The fix is simple: “Don’t allow your child to get overtired,” says Joan. (Isn’t she the picture of practicality?! <3 ) If naps are short or non-existent, shift bedtime earlier, she suggests—because sorry, kids that stay up later don’t sleep later. As a general rule, kids who seem off the wall by late afternoon are probably overtired and benefit from going down 30-60 minutes earlier than usual, she says.
Don’t reward the early riser by allowing them to leave the room before 6am. “It’s essential to send a clear and consistent message that it’s not OK to wake up early and come out of the room,” Joan says. Either silently walk the early riser back to bed (each and every time) or use your monitor’s talk back function to send a firm “NO, IT’S BEDTIME. GET BACK IN BED UNTIL THE CLOCK CHANGES TO YELLOW.” (Guess that means no more early morning cuddles for Emma, poor kid!)
My Kids Share a Room, Am I Screwed?
During one of our first chats about baby Shay, Joan very gently hyped us up for cry-it-out sleep training, but rightfully set our expectations: Sleep training isn’t a one-and-done sort of thing. The problem is, when two or more kids share a room, and one’s an early waker, you can’t exactly take it from the top and let that child cry it out at 4am.
So what gives? Joan says it’s best for siblings to sleep separately until you get the early riser’s untimely wakings resolved using the tips above, even if that means removing one from their shared bedroom to take sleep training from the top. While admittedly disruptive, separating kids until they all re-establish healthy sleeping habits can equip a late-sleeper snooze through an early-riser’s antics, Joan promises—praise be!
Since environment is everything, we’ve found it’s best to leave the early waker in the kids’ room to “train” in ideal conditions. So go ahead and move your other kid to your bedroom floor, a converted closet, or your living room for a few nights. (Shay thinks having a sleepover with mom and dad is a real treat!)
I Separated My Kids, Now What?
After separating siblings until both are sleeping well, Joan says these additional tips can help roommates sleep better together:
☑ Give each child a personal sound machine and an ok-to-wake clock, which lets kids who can’t tell time yet know when to get out of bed. (We use our Hatch and Nanit Sound + Light machine.)
☑ Hold off on transitioning your child to a big bed until around age 3, when they develop impulse control to stay in bed. “The longer you can hold off on the transition, the easier it will be,” says Joan, who is totally game for reverting to a crib if you took your kid out prematurely: “Your toddler (and you) might be able to get another six months of good sleep before you attempt transitioning again.”
☑ Put the cribs/beds on opposite sides of the room, and create a division between them. A portable clothing rack draped with a dark blanket can do the trick.
☑ Stagger bedtimes, and maintain a consistent bedtime routine with both siblings.
☑ For kids aged three or older, develop a few simple sleep rules and sticker reward system. When sleep rules are followed, dole out all the stickers and all the praise!
HALP, I’m Still Exhausted!
When I asked Joan how parents of poor sleepers can protect their own sleep for sanity's sake or health purposes until their kids sleep through the night, she suggested taking turns on early morning duty. If that’s not an option, enlist nearby grandparents for occasional sleepovers, or considering hiring a babysitter so you can take daytime naps. (Yes, these solutions are Band-Aids, so what you really want to do is scroll up and fix the real problem.)
But Wait. There’s More!
I admit that this piece really shits on room-sharing, but Joan says that’s unfair: Can it present its challenges? SURE CAN. But let’s not forget there are SO many benefits for kids who share a room: They learn to compromise and respect each other’s space, confide in one another, and—assuming they don’t kill one another before daybreak—develop a special bond. Better yet, if one sibling is particularly anxious or afraid at night, there’s a sense of security that comes with sharing a room. So, kiddos: You’re welcome!
Dealing with a sleep issue that wasn’t addressed above? Leave a comment to let me know what questions you’d like me to address in a future newsletter!
For no reason besides the fact that I make the rules here, I’m using this caboose of a sidebar section to call out my beloved children.
Tell me you have a toddler without telling me you have a toddler…
